Alone
by bloodiedangle
Summary: Female!Kanda/ Allen. Allen leaves Kanda 5 months pregnant.


Over. It was all over. Allen abandoned her. Then he got killed. Everything was over. Everything had been over the day Kanda missed he period. No. Since the day she had decided to give herself to Allen. " I want to show you my love," he had said. Those words would be the knife that would come back to her heart to stab and twist deeper and deeper until there was only numbness. The beginning of the end. The darkness hidden by the light. Kanda didn't need the boy, or so she told herself. She was alone, pregnant, and dieing. One person, no matter who, could solve her problems.

One month.

Two months.

Three months.

Four months.

Five months. Everything began to fall apart. Allen began requesting as many missions as he could which left Kanda behind. When he was around it'd be nothing but petty fights and the occasional angry sex which wouldn't even last because of Kanda's still growing stomach. Whenever they fought Allen would blame it on Kanda's "pregnant woman hormones" which would end up taking the fight to the next level. The contact between the two ended completely when Allen left for a five week mission. That was when Kanda started crying for reasons even she couldn't come up with. And the child- her child, was exhausting her. That meant it was draining the lotus. Just walking to the bathroom would drain her of the energy she no longer possessed.

She hated Allen more then anything. For being able to go on missions. For not being pregnant. And for being dead. Maybe she was jealous. Being stuck in bed all the time at eight and a half months was boring to say the least. But what she hated the most about it was it let her think. Made her think. And that was the last thing she wanted to do. Pregnant. Her short life. The withering lotus on the table in her room. _Bean sprout. _Kanda loathed the very core of her existence for even thinking about _him. _

Because of him she was pregnant. Because of him her life force was being drained. Because of him she would die all the sooner. Alone. Four. Four petals left. Each month would take a petal. By the time she gave birth she'd have three. Three petals to witness her child's life.

She hated thinking about it. Everything she wouldn't be able to do. Everything she would miss in her child's life. And to think she would have to worry about dying for once. Thinking of not waking up in the morning, about her child finding her cold lifeless form. She worried about the things she'd never had to worry about before.

The pregnancy changed her. Everything about her. Personality, looks, perspectives and experiences. Kanda never particularly cared for anyone; not even herself. But now, now all that mattered was herself and the baby. She'd been so desperate, so selfish. She'd seduced Lavi in an attempt to comfort herself. To convince herself she mattered to somebody. Even though she'd known Lavi for years, knew he considered himself her friend, she just wouldn't believe it.

Even as she lay naked under the blankets next to him rubbing the bulge of her stomach, she thought of the fucking moyashi. It had an effort to forget about him failed. Then she had felt dirty. She used her friend. And as after she had returned to he room she slept.

Dreams. Why do they exist? To show yourself your limitations? What you know you can't do yet try to convince yourself otherwise? Why are humans so stubborn in believing in such things. Even at the end Kanda found herself dreaming of a beautiful baby girl with his eyes and her hair. He was in her dream. Holding the baby as if nothing was wrong, and everything was as it should be. He was motioning towards her. Asking her to embrace the warmth that no longer existed. She woke up with tears streaming down her pale face, telling herself that there was no need for him.

Five weeks later she lay in the infirmary staring at the cradle that contained her little girl. May 17. Silver eyes. Of course. Just another reminder that wasn't necessary. What would Allen think of the child?

Chiyo. Eternal. Forever. She could live longer then Kanda. She wouldn't be plagued with that godforsaken thing like the lotus. She wouldn't have to worry about the Earl and akuma. The war had finally ended. She would be free. She would live a limitless life.

Many exorcists and workers had come to see her child. She'd only let a few of them hold her. There had been tears in Lenalee's eyes when she held her. From laying eyes on the proof that Allen Walker had indeed lived at one time, and with realization that Kanda didn't have much time with the baby.

" Oh, Kanda! She's beautiful! What's her name?" They'd all ask until the whole order knew. They all got the same answer:

"Tch. Chiyo. Don't touch her." They'd all ogle at her for another minute then excuse themselves claiming their lunch breaks were up. The second time Lenalee came to visit Kanda asked.

"When I'm gone will you watch her?" More tears came to the younger girls eyes as she whispered and "of course" and bent over to hug Kanda and rub a finger over the babies soft cheek. Kanda didn't push her away. So many people had tried hugging her but only a few were allowed. Lavi, Miranda and Lenalee. She felt somehow they understood.

Seven Years Later.

Less then half a petal left. That's all that was left. May 13. Four more days until Chiyo's seventh birthday. Every minute she was living in fear of not existing the next. If Chiyo hadn't been born she wouldn't have feared death, but now that she was, Kanda had a reason to keep living. She'd die with two regrets: leaving Chiyo behind and not meeting the man who had made the damn Lotus.

Birthday. Four days. Just four days. Would she make it that far? Kanda already had her present. It was a gold and silver necklace that had the kanji for her name on it. Even if Kanda didn't live long enough to give it to her Lenalee would. These constant overwhelming thoughts.

They had left the order to go to the nearby town. She sat on the bench to watch Chiyo play in the park. Death is underrated. It's so fast-so quick. You're here on second gone the next whether it's quick and painless or slow and painful. It's still death. That's the way it is. You're still gone. How would the lotus take Kanda?

Chiyo was smiling and waving to her as she thought. Kanda quickly gave the smile only she could get and waved to acknowledge her. Then she went back to playing. Kanda closed her eyes and let her head fall back as she sighed.

When she opened her eyes again she turned her head and saw those silver eyes and white hair. Then everything went dark.

*Yeah so sorry this story sucks. It was a request on the kink meme.

I think this is my first that's actually rated T.

I have a WHOLE notebook full or stories so I'll be posting them now that vacation's almost here ;]

Thanks for reading. Please review.

Disclaimer: I don't own and never will own any of the things mentioned in my story.


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